pardon the spelling errors. its either my wet eyes or my quivering fingers. or the darkness i'm in right now..

first of all.. i declare today the worst day of my life.

you know when you love someone, you don't care how much time or money you spend because he's worth it.. you know? you try so hard to give your all. your heart, your soul, your tears. you hide your heartbreaks when he says something wrong. you try to change him to be the perfect being to your standard.

but it's simply amazing, what you get in return. you get him hanging out with the wrong crowd. drinking or smoking maybe. you read his hp inbox, look at every single msg from a girl, in paranoia. you get him cheating on you, whatever the works.

and you realise, that all you gave him seem useless now. they were all lame attempts at creating and being the perfect partner. the months or years you put in, doesn't seem to matter anymore. when he says another 'i love you', you find it hard to accept it. you can never feel the same again. not in the next few days? i hope..

and worst thing is, he was just trying to be honest. so what can you do now?

***

i remember i told a certain someone that, "its better we end it here, than i let this drag on and hurt you deeper in the future.."

now i don't even know how life goes. i don't know if i was wrong. all that i'm obsessing right now, if it's karma acting against me. for all that the certain someone gave me, i threw it in his face. so now i want to make things right. i will meet the certain someone. and i want to beg for forgiveness. face to face of course. so, you know who you are certain someone.. please give me this one last shot at feeling human..

***

it seems you messed up girl. big time. yet you don't know where you went wrong. the one relationship you thought you did everything right. all the shit you took. all the advice you tried to give him, just for the best of himself. or so you thought. no, it doesn't matter if he called you a nag. where over the other side of the line, there you are, sucking a deep broken sniffling breath, letting the ache subside and trying not to crumble. no, it doesn't matter that you try not to cry when you were away far away, tearing your eyes apart for just one hug which you yearn so badly. no, it doesn't matter either that you gave him hundreds of dollars just so he can buy a gadget he's been wanting so much. all because you did it out of love.

and what happens when you lose it? it, being the core of every emotion? what happens?

when you lose love, you lose everything.

all that seem to just break away. all memories, good or bad. it doesn't matter now.

all that can be at the very back of your head now. the sacrifice, the things you did when you fooled around in bed, the love you showered him with when he was tight with money. all deem to be nothing in five small words, "i think i like her..."

dear God, i know i've done sins. but like every other human You created, we are all prone to the provoking of syaitan. i know. i see now. i can't feel any cheaper right now. but just please give me the strength to face him. the courage to say NO. show me the right way, give me patience. lead me the small steps to being a better person.

amin.

and worse, i have orientation camp for the next three days and i'm already been sick with fever and flu and sore throat. yah, i know, AGAIN..