♥Peepshow.

Heat.

been doing some thinking lately.

generally, people take their partners for granted. i think. well, me at least. the me before the morning of april 18th. i used to get heartpains when he don't send me home. keep thinking that he doesn't love or care abt me anymore. and believing that thought because by not sending me home, he doesnt care about what happens to me. he was the boyfriend living in tampines who sends home the girlfriend living in woodlands. and everyday that is. it felt nice ya know?

i mean, that's not the point. i used to be sad and somethings scolding him in my head for something so miniscule like not sending me home. cursing him even. then during the "heartbreak" period, all i wanted was to see him. even from afar. i just wanted to know how he was. and wishing that he was simply holding my hand waiting for me to go off, seems like a miracle.

i remember sometime during that period, i was at the void deck of his house with heather and hafiz. we were talking about the TP orientation camp. we were laughing and i messaged seth to come down cos i had his antibiotics medicine with me. it took him quite a while to reply. the whole time, i was feeling white with fear. i was cold. i was shivering in anxiety. heather and afiz were laughing. and so was i. but i dont even remember whatever they said. all i remember is the msg i just sent him. "wanna join us downstairs? no pressure. it's just us here. maybe we can lepak. just chill noe. nothin serious.." wondering how he will take it. at the same time, laughing oh so fakely. god, i felt so fake.

no, i DONT wanna laugh. all i wanted to do was cry my overworked eyeballs out. i just wanted to die man. how can i laugh when i'm about to lose the person i love so much.. then again, i was laughing to get the mood going. to prepare myself cos i had a strong feeling he will come down. guess what happened?

poor yan, you pathetic piece of shit, he didn't come down. i don't know what his reason was. but all i remember is walking away wishing to realise that it's all a badass dream. crossing that bridge and thinking of how he used to push my heavy ass up. waiting for the stupid 168 where we used to have our tight last hugs before i leave for home. and i finally cried my eyeballs out when i sat on the bus. the long journey was excruciating. felt so fucking alone and useless and self hateful and just hopeless. all i wished was that he was there, sleeping and drooling on my arms. and to think that i used to get so fucked up that he was straining my arms. god, break them all you want, i just wanted him there so badly.

after that, i promised myself not to cry anymore. ha-ha, fat hope.

about two days later, guess what? of course i cried. but it was the worst crying i've ever had. i locked myself in my room and practically fainted on the floor and started bawling. and just crying out for him. "please just come back", "i dont care abt her anymore", "i will do anything" and the one think i kept saying, "im sorry". for what, i dont know.

it went on for hours. the tissues piled up, all soaked slimy and wet.

then finally, when i had the courage to message him again, i told him of how i was gonna meet the ex. i've never felt so nervous my whole life, just waiting for a reply. after making me wait for so long, guess what he said?

"sure."

I JUST WANTED TO DIEEE...

nothing can be worse than that. to my delight though, he did message me again after that. out of his own accord that is. i forgot what we talked about. but that was when things finally got a hold of itself. i tried not to show how desperate i actually was. we waited for days almost weeks before we finally saw each other. he was unsure about us, i was suspicious of his motive.

that was when all the paranoia began.

the first time i saw him in so long, was when he asked me to come over to his house. come to think of it, it was funny how every step i walked towards him was a cautious one and full of hesitation. when i finally hugged him, all i can say was "i love you". i hugged him for the longest time ever. and very tightly. so much that my fingers were clawing into his back.

we laid in each other's arms and i wondered how long his love would last this time. then i turned to him and asked him if he loved me. he said he loves me still but up till today, i dont know what that look in his eyes meant. is he lying? or is he just feeling guilty? or is he using me? or is he feeling ashamed of himself? i dont know.

i was tired and i was feeling glad that it was all over. or so i thought.

maybe next time. all i can say is that, the rest of the story was all my fault.

at the end of the day, i realise that the worst that can happen to anyone is to lose someone you love. in ANY way. i've always wondered if it was easier if he was just dead. CHOY ARH! especially when you are at your wits end and just want that someone to be there. i wonder how i made through that. this is probably just a small bump in my life. worse things could have happened. sigh..

Labels: emotional, reminisce, seth

__________________________________________________________________________