Hi, my name is Seri Hidayani and I'm an alcoholic.

When I got my first taste, I was 15. I had no intentions of getting hooked but the addiction isn't something one would anticipate. Things were beautiful during those few glorious years. I was at the top of my game. I looked forward to waking up every morning knowing that with it in my hands, nothing can truly break me. Happiness was an understatement.

But like all good things, it began to strain me out after a while. I felt powerful enough that nothing could break me down. But what I didn't expect was that it itself would be the cause of my doom.

Many things happened throughout the years. Sometimes its effects would make me the most jolly and happiest person alive. But things got rough, it tore me apart. And when those around me discovered my problem, it began to tear us apart too.

I began to get defensive and insisting that it wasn't a problem. How can it be? It makes me happy and will always be at my disposal when I need it to. When I started to indulge more, I learned to stop telling people.

They don't understand us, I thought.

If I can handle it myself, through the good and bad, why should I let them pass judgement. This is my life and my choices after all.

But when I started losing those very people who loved me, my guilt began eating me alive. I had to do something. I had to make a choice.
And I made it. I said I'd get rid of it to prevent anymore intoxicating memories which has marred my life. I told my loved ones that it's high tide for me to move on. To learn that no matter how happy it made me, the lows just wasn't worth it.

But here I am, and I've come to make a confession. I'm like every alcoholic. I can't go cold turkey. I keep trying but it just keeps coming back to me, somehow. I've been secretly taking small doses. Once a week mostly, twice on the rare occasions.

I know I can control it. I can control my feelings to not get affected by the lows too much this time. Just enjoy the ride while it lasts. I have it under control and I won't let it be an addiction anymore. But that's what every alcoholic says isn't it?

God help me now. Because everyone knows this is a battle only I can fight.

(P.S. Don't be a doofus, it's as clear as day that I don't drink, so don't interpret it so literally hahah.)

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