to you.

i'm your girlfriend. we recently "got better". yay for us! but things inevitably changed.

if i'm your gf, allow me to help you. your problems immediately become mine too. and i accept that now. i'll be concerned no matter how small it is, because i'm your gf. i know it's hard living without a laptop or internet. i know. i wanted to help so i came up with ideas; staying out with you at business com lab, buying a laptop myself just so you can use it (though i don't need one right now) or printing your emails (which i'm doing right now) all because i'm your gf.

but when you told me to, "you've got your own problems. you're a design student. just get busy with your own stuffs, okay?" it's not okay, because i'm your gf. what hurt more was that i was being stressed up and cracking my brain to find a solution to help you. day by day, you're pushing me further away. and i don't understand why. as a gf, i'm willing to go to ridiculous lengths for you.

but when you hurt my feelings, crush my heart, let one small flu totally ruin our otherwise perfect day, push away my attempts to help you, keep quiet when i ask questions i need answers to, i wonder why i'm your gf.

and what's more bangs-head-on-the-wall frustrating is that, after all that, i still want to care. even though you make it clear that my help is like shit to you. like no matter what i do, it seems to never be good enough. getting help from me is like an insult to you. i crazy crazy still want to care. and i'm your gf?

i can never be mad at you because for love, i'm patient. for heather, for nas, for afiz, for khai and especially for you, i'm patient. i go to the ultimates for all of you, you know..

the difference is that, i know they know. do you know that? do you know why i care so much?

when you said, "you ah.. why you always cry cry.." i was puzzled. how come is it that you know there's something wrong, but you don't feel obliged to know the reason why.. i don't, cry for fun. like that, i'm not like other stupid crybaby girls. (if you're one of them, YES I'M INSULTING YOU. BETTER TERASE.) it hurts okay. my throat gets choked. (my eyeliner gets smudged) and most of all, I'M ASHAMED OF MY TEARS. i prefer to let my insides cry than to show it to you..

you ask heather, how many times have i cried in front of her? you can count with one hand, i tell you. and how long has she been my best friend? long enough to be very long..

bottomline is, i'm not a frequent cryer. really. cos i don't like to.

but how is it that i manage to cry everytime i'm with you? why? i don't want to, you know.. it's very embarassing for me.. but because i pity your stressed state that's taking an obvious toll on you.. because i pity myself for being so weak i give in to you all the time.. and for today, i feel stressed cos i haven't got a single assignment done. almost everything is always because of you.. but i don't give a damn, because i'm your gf.

haiyah. i don't know what point i'm getting at right now. it's an awful feeling to be unappreciated. i just wish.. sigh.. i wish i can be your supergirl you know. i want to be there for you always.. i want to help solve your problems. (if you let me) i want to stop your bloody nose from running! but i can't.. i so desperately want to but i can't.. i'm sorry.

i'm at loss for words. hey, nobody said this was easy. but the least we can do, is to make it easy for both of us right? how? it's not impossible to try to sit down, BREATHE and talk things out. no matter how much you'll hate me for... i don't know for what la.. no matter how hard things get, and even if you want to leave me as it's stressless and the easier way out, all i have to say is..

please don't push me away.. you don't know how much i love you seth.

p.s: people.. please don't be hard on seth.. it's not fair that he doesn't read blogs.. all that i say here is to get things off my chest.. really. so the stuffs i say may not relate the next day.. you know? he's still a great bf.. hey, everyone hits a rough patch now and then right? be nice.