♥Peepshow.

Heat.

I want you more than anything, and I beat myself up for it.

You have no idea how much this heart aches so much for you to love me.

I say I don't cry, but thinking of what we could have been, hurts too much.

Just stay right here, with me a while longer please...

I still don't get how anyone can like someone else, when they have someone who loves them. Swear to God, honest to goodness, I still don't get it.

My mind is so stone-cold I can't get a single idea out, I'm trying, I SWEAR!

Doing packaging ideas for Julie's. Biskot reminds me of youuu... (Eh Nad? Hehhh.)

Seriously, HAVE MORE FOCUS WOMAN! Ciao-

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You know what's my kind of guy? Take all 8 guys that I'm close with and mould into one. I just realised, I love them for they each possess one quality I look for in a guy. :)

Impending deadlines make me want to kill myself. O.O For shiz real.

Am eloping with Heather tomorrow. Goodbye world! Ciao-

I swear I gave you all of my wasted heart and soul.

Just don't make me fall in love with you again.

We're supposed to be happy where we're at..

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Thank you God. Thank you. I know thank you is not enough, but that's all this humble mortal can afford to say. Thank you.

Because we can now see, what goes around comes around. =)

And that, is why I'm happy. The world is fair again.

I still have awesomest friends who are awesome and I love them all, I'm scared they don't know how awesome they really are...

Lalalalala.. I can't wait to scream and go lalala to everyone~ !!!! Especially Afiz, he's seen everything man. He knows every single shit cos we went through it together. WOOOOH!

Okay, anyways for today..

KUNG FU PANDA JUST NOW WAS BLOODY HELL FUNNY!! Hahaha! I loved it! =) Go watch watch watch. THE SLUT TIGRESS IS ANGELINA JOLIE BTW.

Bah, that cow. It's not fair. Why isn't she fat by now?! When will she and Jessica Alba POP THEIR BABY!!??!

Anyhows, I could use you for a bit, if you know what I meaaaan.. Heh. Of course you don't. Only I know what I'm talking about. Hahaha! Nyeh nyeh. Poot poot!

SINGAPORE FLYER PICTURES ABOVE YEAH! Ciao-

Skipping school for Sentosa with the girls tomorrow OH YEAH! *beams fairies out of her eyes* =D

Labels: MY HAPPY ENDING, secret

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I saw him online and I was like, FINALLY! (To be clear, it's not Seth) I've been meaning to talk to him for daaaaaaays.. After so much talking with Lenny, I felt so shit guilty.

For everything that I've done to him. For not being there to see him through the heartbreak. For jumping straight to another relationship and leaving him hanging just like that.

I was so young and stupid. Did I even have a heart?

I wanted to tell him how miserable I am now. That all the bad things I did to him, I wanted him to know that this is what I got back. Karma is such a bitch but I know I deserve it.

Arggggh... How do I say all these to him!! I just need someone to talk to, really.

I want to talk to him but I don't know how tooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I feel like as if I HAVE TO DO THIS!!

Cigarettes&Valentines ; YAN ♥Homeboy says:
hey u there

knucklehead mcspazatron (mr carbohydrate) says:
yessir!

(LOLS)

So let's get the ball rolling...

Good luck for the ranking sayang.

And I miss you too Heather, I terribly need you right now..

Ciao-

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I gave myself a shock there.

Go: Here.

Number: 12.

It's not mine, but it very well could have been.

Yes, I'm very in love with you.

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I'm so fucking down fucking fucking down down..

I can't take it. April fucking hell sucks shit. I fucking fucking hate April, as easy as that.

To find out some stuffs just now, was not nice at all. I totally lost it. Went bonkers. He handled it way better than last time though.

But I can't take it. After all that I've been through to make it since last April, after the endless tears and heart aches I had to endure, I can't take another disappoinment..

It's too much for me to take.. Please don't do this to me.. I really can't take it.

You want me to trust you, so please don't do these kind of things to me.. You told me once last year that your biggest regret was "obviously to go and like her", so please keep that in mind..

Like I said, I just want to feel secure. I want to know that you're willing to put some "passion" into us..

I know for a fact, and I can assure you that I've given my 99% to loving you. There is no way I can even love you more than I've already had.

To accept you after all that you did, I hope it shows that I will really go through anything for you.

If you say you love me, please think hard and do what's best for both of us.. ='(

Please baby?

I don't know where we're heading right now. If we reach a dead end, I'll fucking tar another road out I tell you. All that I ask is for you to behave yourself and understand that you have a gf to take care of. Sigh..

Then again, all good things must come to an end..... ='(

ARRGGHHH noooo, what am I saying!

Just please.. Not us..... Not anytime soon..

I promise to sleep right now. And you keep yours.

Your love always,
mmrkr.

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He's bored of me.. I know it. Two months from now, I'll be going away again.

I don't want to come home like last time. Coming home to a broken relationship which I didn't even know where I went wrong. I'm so scared, but it's a much needed holiday for me. And hopefully he'd learn a thing or two when I'm away.

Please, keep me happy and let me go, and come back in happiness..

My mum just told me we'll be landing Singapore on the 27th. Just another reason to look forward to it eh?

Happier post ahead, I promise.. Just slightly depressed that L died. (In the anime) JOKING LA.

He doesn't talk about me anymore like he used to.. Oh wells.. What are archives for right? :) ......... :/

Ugh, I keep sugarcoating things, it's sickening!

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HAPPY 27th 27 SAYANG!

Heh. I can't stop saying it. 27th 27 hahahaha.

Had an awesome time yesterday bloating ourselves at Seoul Garden again. No pictures, just stuffing ourselves.

Thanks for the great time! =)

I'm broke now, but, WHAT THE HELL!

Marathon-ing the 9oclock drama. So I'm actually quite distracted.

OMG I LOVE THE SHOW LAAA!!! COS FIONA XIE ALWAYS COMES TO THE RESCUEEEE! TEEHEE!

Seth said he'll spend more time with me next week! Woohoo. He's been working and doing.. stuff which I can't remember.

I'm trying to stay positive myself. It's making me stressed just as well too. And for what? I don't know either. So argggghhh-ing.

Eh hey! Nas' chalet is on the 11th. 8.. 9.. 10.... 11!! Hahahaha. Okay, whatever.

Uh, nothing's been going on though I wish I had a job. Just wasting my life away but I don't really give a shit. Haha.

I have a right to be happy.

Thanks for everything Seth. Really. =)

He was jaw dropping that time after training. Omg, I would have ogled at any guy who was that small and nice built, AND HAD A MOHAWK! So much more awesome that he's mine. Hahah.

Gtg, Ciao!

Labels: secret, seth

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The only reason why I painstaking keep hounding you if you're okay, is because I'm the one who needs the listening ear.

I wish I'll stop feeling so unloved..

God, please give me motivation..

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Bah, I typed so long only to delete it.

Watched Death Note(s). Started to wish Light will die when he started to get so evil and brutal.

And am I the only one who finds L so endearing? His OCD-like behaviour is so adorable la! So Monk-ish. Haha.

Sigh, I hope band prac will clear my mind.

And to eat at Mr. Prata instead of that SHITFILLED PLACE called Prata Paradise, my grimy foot.

I love it when Ms. Chong conducts. She's always the best!

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.

Good night, and ciao bellas.

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"she just lost someone that was really important to her. and i understand how exactly she feels. i've been through there. pity her alot. this feeling will go slowly."

Gee, that hit a really raw nerve.

I'm having second thoughts now, but is it already too late?

Anyways,

HAPPY 27th SAYANG!

Times are getting tougher. Buckle up for the ride baby.

Labels: 27th, secret, seth

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I was about to ask Dan how was prom until I realised, SHIT! HE STILL HAS ONE MORE YEAR! Phew, lucky lucky if not pai seh siol.

Haha.

Had some time to change the blogskin. I still think it's something for temporary. It's not my standard ah. Nyahaa. 5 weeks holiday coming up! WHEE! I don't feel like working though Heather and Nas did offer their help. Hmm... I wish I was with my dad. Cooking with him or going shopping or something. Boo. I wanna go Dubai! =(

Considering the fact that I'm rather broke right now, my family decided to go together at the end of the next year! Whee!

FUCK SIA! I FINISHED MY WORK! WOOHOO! Even Keejan is happy for me! I manage to push my dental appointment to next Monday and had till 4 to do my work! My handsome gorgeous sexy strong Boyfriend conveniently had to shit the moment he stepped out his house for school. And he conveniently skipped his POM lecture that I always accompany him. Hmmm.

Back to good news, HOLIDAY IS ALMOST HERE! Better not speak to soon or it'll just flash past me. BUT WHEEE!!! My birthday is this Saturday!

I didn't even realise it until my sis reminded me. I swear! Been too busy with doing stupid things on the net. Hehe.

Heather and I just wasn't meant to watch porn. We tried to watch the St. James incident and there was not a single system in my tablet which allowed it to be viewed. Grr.

Waited for the guys just now. OMG, every minute we waited is so torturous la... I just hate the fact that I'm sitting there waiting and waiting and waiting. If Heather wasn't there, I would have decomposed to.. God knows.

Hmm.. I've been keeping a secret lately. I don't know why I'm this way. Well, I'll be irritating and not say my secret! Haha.

Moodless and unhappy. Ciao-

Because I promised to be a friend. =)

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The difference between me and my sisters is that, they are too nice. My older sis apparently had a bad experience at Batam just now. By being too nice, I mean she actually layan those strangers. It's not her fault that she was just trying to be nice even after sending obvious signals that she doesn't wish to be disturbed. She spoke Indon summore. Guess what i would have done?

Scold some vulgarities in English and walked off to another seat. Simple as that. I mean c'mon laaaa it's some cheekopek pakciks (to me) and I DON'T wish to have small talk with them. eeyer, i'd rather swallow all of Boy's hairballs.

But that's just me. I have a tough exterior and very very (seemingly) anti-social because I have trust issues. Easy as that. When new people come along in my life, I do wonder if they want something from me. I keep things to myself as I don't want people judging me. I'd get increasingly uncomfortable when strangers approach me. I'll most probably just wave them off. Unless I'm with Seth and the subject is of a certain race. HAHA.

No lah! I'm not that bad okay! heh heh heh....

Okay, bottom line is, I'm very defensive and I know I want to be able to take care of myself. I've even pinched/punched Seth at different parts of his body just to find out which was the most painful area. (fyi, it's pinching at the babat area below your arms.) But let me tell you girls, if any fucker tried to hurt you, like, I mean physically ah.. Just make sure you SCREAM! YOU GET ME?! SCREAM FOR HELP!!

More often than not, you are too shocked by the reality of the whole situation. So i'm bloody telling you girl, SCREAM LIKE A GIRL! AND, BITE THE SHIT OUT OF THE FUCKER!!!!! I'M DEAD SERIOUS OK! When he's got a good grip on your body you either swing your elbow (strongest joint) to any part you can get and DON'T FORGET TO BITE!!!! If he's not holding you then of course don't lean forward to bite him ah. If you're standing in front of him, thrash around and don't let him touch you! But don't kick around and lose your balance then knock out la.

TRUST ME, it'll come in useful okay. Every single time I think of that one night I got molested (I'm coming clean, like, finally.. So now you know why Seth suddenly sends me home everyday since April last year..) I can't help but grit my teeth and clench my fist and wished I'd reacted more violently. The best word to describe it is, SQUIRM. YES, all i did was try to squirm out of his grip. It proved to be STUPID MISTAKE. I should have elbowed the shit out of that fucker and who cares about his hairy arms. I should have bitten him till that bit of flesh falls off his body. Then I would scream like nobody's fucking business.

Needless to say, everytime I go home alone, I'd still scan around and cast dirty looks at men who drop off the same stop as me. And, there's no relief like the relief of being safe (alone) behind closed lift doors. I still jump at my own reflection through the glass windows though. Yeah, that night has terrified me even after one and a half years and probably for the rest of my life. But I know i came out stronger and oh boy am I ready for another fucker. He'll be damn sorry he picked this girl.

Being molested is one thing you never ever ever ever want to go through in your life sia. The sudden flashbacks makes me wanna bite my tongue til it bleeds. And my blood will start to boil just like that. I'm serious, all I'm feeling is the regret of not reacting violently. From then on, I started to get violent dreams. Really! Of killing people usually. I just wish I can kill that fucker I tell you.

Oh you mother fucker. If I do find you, i'll fucking call the police (it's only sensible la deyy..) and request them to let me have my revenge. Fucker la he. I'll make sure i crush his balls and squish his penis flat. AND flatten his fingers and bash his bones till it turns to powder. I just wanna kick the shit out of him. See what I mean. ANGRY. So whatever you do. Better be safe than sorry. DON'T GET INTO LIFTS WITH STRANGERS.

And it goes without saying, I HATE WOODLANDS.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my boyfriend Muhd. Seth cos he was there for me from start to end. Through the healing process and anger outbursts and break downs.. Though he lives in the East and I live at North, he's just goddamn wonderful to be willing to send me home just so I reach home safe. And he makes it a point to stress me (every single time. Even now!) to message him when I reach home (even though he sends me to my block). hee hee. He's so sweet (that I forget sometimes) and just the best boyfriend I can ask for. Thank you sayang! =) I so goddamn love this (one year, nine and a half months) boyfriend can! CAN!

Labels: secret, seth

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